So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
