we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
