I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
