the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
