matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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