I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
