she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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