Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There's always time for handjobs
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
