"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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