I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
