I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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