So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
