I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
