I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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