I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
