4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
