At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
