Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
