Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
