so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
