No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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