I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
