I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
