I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
