Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
