Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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