I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
