I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
