My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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