Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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