I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
