I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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