Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
