Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
ttyl tear gas
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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