your parents love me but you hate me
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
