What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
