I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
