I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I will pee on everything he values.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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