Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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