The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
