I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
