First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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