Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
