I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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