At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
