We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
