I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
3pm strippers are depressing
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
