youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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