dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
