sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
pop tarts are not kleenex
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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